Well the title pretty much says it all...

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted
and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the
4- inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Tommy O’Shaughnessy’s Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, ’tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I’ll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O’Shanter?"

"I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O’Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slidesover and whispers, "What’d you get?"

"Five more good leads!"