WARNING! THIS GAME IS ADDICTING...PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK...

TOO Funny!

The Sacramento Republicrat has obtained an exclusive photo of the highly popular two headed cow...

Subject: Fwd: DEAR ABBY

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he
lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with
his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

Redneck Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

Mrs. SactoDan needs itinerary. Flight times etc... Email when you can.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Disclaimer: No cats were hurt during the making of this blog post.

The anti-war mom who lost her son in Iraq is back at it. Yes I mean Cindy Sheehan. She needs to stop making a mockery of her life and disgracing the memory of her dead son.

Today she was arrested again. Read more here

NEW YORK -- U.S. and Iraqi women demanding a withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq marched from the United Nations to the U.S. Mission on Monday, where peace activist Cindy Sheehan and three others were arrested, police said.

The march followed a press conference at U.N. headquarters where Iraqi women described daily killings and ambulance bombings as part of the escalating violence that keeps women in their homes.

Is there a prize once she hits five?

Arrested here before the State of the Union.

She was also arrested here.

And again here.

I certainly did not see this one coming:

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy... "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business... Now give me back my dog."

I got this in an email this evening. I was rolling...

A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son(who had been looking out the window)turned to his mother and asked,"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to "ask the flight attendant."

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me?" The boy said, " Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

I saw this lastnight and thought it was funny:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on! the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey ! is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

H/T Read My Lips Blog

I was rolling when I saw this.  It was too funny...



However, I did hear the movie was good...

H/T Craig DeLuz

This is an email I received. It's a little long winded, but a funny read.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

-------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

-------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

-------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

-------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All You Weanies
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The Frigging Holiday Party

Vegetarian's, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your damned salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

There has been lots of controversy over the Christmas holiday. Do we say "Merry Christmas" or just "Season's Greetings"? What about "Happy Holidays"?

Now retailers are not allowing their employees to say "Merry Christmas".
The amount of time that is being spent on either discrediting Christmas or making it politically correct is nauseating.

A very wise individual has commented on the Christmas issue. I could not agree more.

THIS IS NOT FOR CHILDREN. ADULT CONTENT...

Foamy the Squirrel

Sacred Cow Burgers has a great post about President Bush and a Crawford Thanksgiving.

I saw this while visiting Nickie Goomba's blog tonight, and I have to say it grabbed my attention. I carve pumpkins every year with my children, but this takes on a new meaning.

Check it out:

Click here to carve.

In a VERY well written post, The SactoDan Blog has local talk radio host Mark Williams allegedly making posts on The Sacto Dan blog using multiple names. None of which are his own. This is very worthwhile reading. Read more here. Great job Sacto Dan!