“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

She asked: “Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“Can you get it over the counter?” she asked.

“I can if I take two…”

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

An hour later Little Johnny sees a butterfly and also stamps on that. “Right no butter for a month”,says dad.

When they arrive home they both walk into the kitchen, just in time to see mom stamp on a cockroach.

Little Johnny looks at his dad and says,”Well are you telling her the bad news or shall I?”

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

“God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off…

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
‘I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.’

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.’

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, ‘I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’

The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.’

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, ‘Fill it with water.’

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o’clock. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.