A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two..."

This was too funny to wait til Friday...

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Little Johnny is walking in the park with his dad when he stamps on a honeybee. "Right you little sod, no honey for a month", says dad.

An hour later Little Johnny sees a butterfly and also stamps on that. "Right no butter for a month",says dad.

When they arrive home they both walk into the kitchen, just in time to see mom stamp on a cockroach.

Little Johnny looks at his dad and says,"Well are you telling her the bad news or shall I?"

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

"God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o’clock. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Chinese Proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

"What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference...

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted
and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the
4- inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Tommy O’Shaughnessy’s Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, ’tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I’ll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O’Shanter?"

"I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O’Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slidesover and whispers, "What’d you get?"

"Five more good leads!"

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
-Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American, DOESN'T IT?

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one!"

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm. The man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend and whispers, "Blanche, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Blanche whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Louise says, "I know, but this one's....EATING MY POPCORN!"

A Texas Air Traffic Control

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!

INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away!

There’s a damned republican on my front porch and he’s playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Ma’am, how do you know he’s a republican?"

"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he’d be screwing somebody."

Subject: Fwd: DEAR ABBY

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he
lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with
his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

Redneck Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy.

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."